The ascent

I climbed a mountain, yesterday. We have these nice, peaky volcanoes in the Pacific Northwest, most quite climbable in one day. This one was my first solo ascent since my divorce, for which I submitted my paperwork last Monday. My "Divorce Climb."

Many times during the climb I reminded myself that physical pain is better than emotional pain. Physical pain helps mask emotional pain. Drowns it right out. It felt good to climb this mountain, although a little lonely, at times. I asked myself why I was doing it. Should Mountain Climbing be something of my 20's? Something I gave up once I had a family and settled down? I can see good arguments for it. It's hard! It's less safe to go alone, and there are fewer people I know that are up for the challenge.

And, if given the chance, I could take a gentle walk with another person where I could have pleasant conversation and make or strengthen a human connection that brings me pleasure. So why climb the mountains? Is it just the sense of accomplishment? What do I really gain by being able to say, "I climbed Mt. McLoughlin yesterday. Look! I don't have skin on my heels, anymore!"

I don't know, but I know that I smiled a lot while I walked through that forest alone. I know I enjoyed the smell of the trees and the crisp air, the crunching of the snow (except when I postholed up to my thigh...in shorts...ouch!). I know I loved the feel of the sun on my skin, and I felt proud of myself when someone at the top offered to take a picture of me and the three guys that had summited around the same time, and I was able to say, "I came up on my own." And maybe that's it. Maybe that's what mountain climbing does for me. It gives me the reminder that I can come up on my own. Even if I do go with friends on subsequent climbs, if I have support, it's up to me to get there.

And so it is. It's up to me to get there, and wherever I am, I've gotten myself here. Let those places be heights and accomplishments I can be proud of. I am proud of how I've done as a single mother. I am proud of the kind of teacher I am becoming. I am proud of the genuine connections I make with people, and especially with my children. I've gotten myself to this place, and it's not a bad place at all. Maybe I've just broken through treeline, leaving the slog of the approach and the elusive path (sometimes buried in snow) behind, and the rest of the ascent is the really clean, clear air kind, with the breathtaking views and the people that check up on each other along the way. I'd like to think so.